Sometimes when I am looking for a file in my computer, I come across things that I had written in the past.  I am not a very dedicated journal-er but I do like to write and quite often will write articles about how I am feeling.  Today I stumbled across a poem that I had written during the darkest time of my life.  I think that it expresses fairly well what I was feeling at the time although there are other things that I wrote during this period that are so much more desperate.  I wrote a lot during this time and I believe that writing these poems was one of the things that allowed me to make the recovery that I did.

The Battle Inside

Surrounded by loneliness,

So as not, to feel alone.

A heart so fragile,

Boasting a facade of stone.

Trying to gain strength,

With tears running down my face.

Striving for a future,

In a past, time and place.

Hanging on to the memories,

Wishing I could forget.

The sanity is my security,

Kept warm by the perpetual threat.

Bright flashes of wisdom,

Evolve into thoughts of anger.

A few moments of peace,

Make me oblivious, to the danger.

Cursing at each verse,

Of an old, religious tune.

Praying to live forever,

While hoping, the end is soon.

I slowly close my eyes,

So that I can see more clearly.

I quietly scream out loud,

So no one, will hear me.

Joe McLaughlin

11/17/2001